I don't know what to believe anymore. Am I getting better? What is going on? Why am I feeling so empty? I have what I've always wanted, but I'm never satisfied I guess. I'm so ungrateful, even if I'm grateful for everything. I should change again, I should become unrecognizable, I should change my whole identity. i cant stand being myself, i cant stand breathing, i cant stand eating. i hate being human, i hate existing. i want to be a concept or an idea or art or a character in a work of fiction. i want people to listen because this isnt normal, im pretty sure its not. but since ive got good grades, people ignore my problems and just brush them off, because what problems could i really have? im smart, i dont have problems, the only problem i have is thinking too much and too openly when i should be only listening to my elders and doing what they want. im not a person or at least what i consider a person. im a mix of stuff put together and acting human was asked of me, when im just a few scraps of paper and fabric sewed into a humanlike form. im not like you and ill never be. i dont want to be like you, but i do want it at the same time. if i was you, everyone would notice me, everyone would talk to me. but since im different in some kind of way, since im weird, everyone decided to ignore me because im not normal enough to hangout with them. writing normal reminds me of love, me normally. and id rather be normal, yes, so normal. i suggest that we keep this informal cause a normal human being wouldn't need to pretend to be normal, to be normal. i think thats the only thing i share with my younger self. she wanted to be normal too. she was so desperate to find a way to fix herself that she ended up making herself fall apart by all the sewing and unsewing. poor girl. thank god shell be dead soon.